36. They feel unable to do anything about what happens to them.

Take a minute to think about the signs already discussed, about foster children, and how the two go together. Now think about how rejection, not fitting in, and not belonging are parts of all the signs. Foster children almost always have one or more of the signs to some extent. This is even more true for feeling she cannot do anything about what happens to her. For the most part, this is more than a feeling, it is a fact. Heavy-duty stuff is happening and she can do little to nothing about it. She has little control and less ability to influence what happens to her.

How does this sign fit with the others? It is the can hardly live without it, the cannot face it, the not getting over it, the cannot handle it part of the other signs. It is her feeling of having lost control within her life and being unable to get control back.

Just as belonging is important to her, so is believing she is in control of what happens to her. At least, she needs to know her life is not out of control.

Here is the idea. She feels very little control. She also feels like she does not belong or does not fit-in. This is what is causing her bad, painful feelings.

Anger is a very bad feeling the child has about what happened to her. Fear is a very bad feeling she has about what might happen. She is angry about what happened, the position she is now in, and about her future's having been changed. Things are just not working out as they should, from her point of view. Fear is a little less complicated. Who knows what might happen? Even worse, she knows what might happen and it scares her. Maybe it will scare her to her death.

What does this have to do with control? She either did not or could not control what happened and is very angry. She cannot control what might happen and she is afraid. The less control she feels, the more angry and afraid she gets. It is a building pressure.

You want to help her get these feelings out.  This holds most for her anger. There is another step you can take too. Give her as much power and control as you can.

Ellen was twelve when she came to our office with her foster mother. After about a half hour of her temper and generally obnoxious behavior, her foster mother reached her wits end. "I'm sorry but this is beyond me. Ellen, you cannot live with me anymore. I care what happens to you; but your behavior is more than I can deal with anymore." The placement was terminated by her foster mother on the spot.

After about a half hour, the foster mother returned with all Ellen's possessions: Two grocery bags of stuff. Fortunately, a new placement was available; and Ellen's new foster father came to get her and her two sacks.

This is the positive part of the story. About a year or so later, Ellen moved back to her mother's home. With her went her two sacks. Sometime later, we asked the foster father what she had in her two sacks. He said, "I have no idea. When we got her home and into her room we asked her if she wanted help putting her things away. As obnoxiously as possible, she told us they were hers and what she would do if we so much as touched them. She was right. They were hers."

You usually cannot do much about the big things that get out of control for the child; but it really is the little things that count. Let the youngster have as much control as possible over as much as possible. At times, this may only be her two sacks of stuff. You may offer her a shelf or drawer or the choice to leave her stuff in her sacks. As odd as it may seem at first, this may be your single best way to help her handle her anger and fear.