34. They are not getting over a serious loss or disappointment.

Here is how this sign works. Perception is the only reality for the child. Anything is disappointing if she feels disappointed. She is the judge. Also, she is the only judge of how disappointing it was for her. This means that not getting invited to a party can be more painful for one child than not getting a college scholarship is for another. Not making the basketball team can devastate one child and not bother another child much one way or the other. Listen to what the child tells you and believe her. She is the expert on her perceptions.

When a disappointment of any kind is very painful for the child, this is what's happening. She had started seeing herself as having what she wanted. In her mind, she was someone who had reached her goal. She made the team. She was part of the group at the party. She was going to be a college student. It matters little what the goal was. It had become part of how she thought about herself. More important, it was now a part of who she is with other people. In her mind, she is a team member, one of the group, someone who fits-in, who belongs. This is not an exaggeration. It is how children think about and understand important things.

The child's loss can be because of embarrassment and humiliation. It can be because a relationship is no longer there for her. It can be because of a severe disappointment. Whatever its cause, it is at least a little less belonging for her. She can get to where she perceives it to mean she does not belong at all, anywhere.

How can you help? Say, "I know a lot about disappointment. I think you may even know more than I do right now. I remember how awful and painful it feels. I remember it feels like a huge crash or sometimes like suddenly losing everything important. Can we talk about how you are feeling? What is the first thing that comes to your mind?" Your goal is to get her to talk about her feelings, especially her angry feelings.