33. They became very embarrassed over something and cannot face it.

This sign begins to get at the main problem. Losing a relationship and feeling unable to live without it makes it seem like losing the relationship is the main problem. Thinking about her feeling unable to handle an embarrassment makes her pain more understandable. It has mostly to do with her loss or her fear of losing acceptance by other people. This idea needs more discussion.

An important part of the child's humanness is her connection with others or her feeling of belonging. A severe embarrassment breaks the connection in much the same way as losing a relationship. The embarrassment or humiliation changes how others think about her, or so she thinks. She believes that how they feel about her and how much she is accepted by them have changed.

This is the point. Whether she lost a relationship or felt embarrassed and humiliated over something else that happened, it feels like severe rejection. She feels cut-off and alone. It is an awful, empty, painful feeling. Added to this are feelings of anger and fear. She is angry about being rejected and afraid of not recovering from the loss.

When this happens, suicidal thoughts and feelings are likely. Why? Suicide is an escape from and end to the pain and a way out of the empty place.

To help her, get her to share her fear and anger. Say, "I can see how what happened was really embarrassing and humiliating. Recovering from something like that is very tough. Can we talk about it? I am not sure whether it would make me more angry or more afraid. What does it feel like for you?" Empathy and helping the child identify her feelings are what she needs from you. Just giving them names (anger and fear) helps her all by itself.

You and your foster child are really getting in touch with her feelings when she can let you know how angry she feels. It is the anger that can lead to violence such as suicide. Getting it out is her way out of her loneliness.