30. They do not care if they upset or hurt people.

What would a child be like without values? She would not care about anyone or anything but herself. She might not even care much about herself and about what she becomes. The extreme version of this is not caring if she hurts people. The child has had her humanity taken away. She cannot have normal relationships. Even worse, she has been cut off from any chance to share in a feeling, caring world.

How can you help? You may get this advice. Do not let her know she hurt you. Do not let her get under your skin. If she does, act like she did not. The idea is not to let her know she won.

Here is the point. It is not a win or lose kind of thing for the child. She does not care. She needs to know she hurt you and how much she upset you. You do not let her know by getting angry and hurting back or by withdrawing from her. She needs you to really let her know in adult terms.

Say, "What you said (or did) upset me. It hurts way down inside. It is an awful feeling. It feels like I was just pushed off a cliff and am falling. I am afraid. It may be the worst feeling I have ever had. I am really suffering."

She likely will say she does not care. Now say, "That makes me feel even worse. Your not caring is worse for me than what happened. You do not need to say or do anything about it. I just want you to know how much I am hurting."

Will you ever get through to her? It is for sure not trying will never get through to her. She needs your caring and honesty: straight-up and to the point.