GARY CROW PRESENTS

   

30. They have trouble accepting or dealing with criticism.

Children who are hyperactive or suffer from Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) have a lot of trouble handling criticism. They tend to be emotionally high-strung and overreact to things. They also are more likely to receive criticism and negative feedback from adults. All this adds to their frustration and stress to make it harder for them to handle criticism. They may experience criticism much like everyone else. They just do not hide their feelings as well.

Children who need to be too perfect also have trouble with criticism. For them, even a small comment or suggestion may be hard to handle. They see it as an attack on them personally. If their work is not perfect, they see it as totally wrong. You might see one of these children destroy all the work he has done on a project if someone finds fault or suggests a way of improving it. It is perfect or it is junk. This would be the extreme; but degrees of the problem are not uncommon.

Foster children often have special problems with criticism. It may remind them of when they were abused or other bad things that happened to them. The child may think your criticism will be followed by violence or something else bad. For him, criticism may be something to fear.

Here is the point. If a child can handle criticism, he can manage almost any problem, including most learning problems. He accepts and follows tips and suggestions. If he cannot, helping him is tough no matter what his problem is.

Talk with him about the problem. Try to see how criticism feels to him. See what he thinks and feels when someone criticizes. Until you and he get past the problem, it will be hard to help, hard to deal with anything.

This is the bind. Talking with him about the problem is itself criticism. You are criticizing how he handles criticism. This might work. "You have me in a real bind. I have experience and know some good stuff. I learned most of it by doing things wrong and making mistakes. Here is my problem. Sometimes I see you learning the way I did. I see you are doing something wrong or in a way that doesn't work very well. I think it would be easier for you if I told you what I'd learned; but when I do, you get upset or bent out of shape. That makes me feel like 'Why bother?' Should I say something or just let you learn the hard way?"