Gary Crow Presents Audio Tidbits

Control & Hunches

"You have no control over what the other guy does. You only have control over what you do." (A. J. Kitt)

"Are things out of control?" This is a most interesting question. You likely ask yourself this question sometimes and experience pronounced anxiety as you consider the answer. The problem is, of course, if things are out of control, there is no predicting the outcome. The possibility of a huge crash is out there and the prospect is somewhere between alarming and terrifying. Even if things are out of control, odds are that the outcome will be acceptable; but…. Perhaps Mario Andretti had a thought worth remembering, "If everything's under control, you're going too slow."{{Pause=.5}}

You have both experienced this existential anxiety and have thought about the intense level of uneasiness associated with it. It's indeed uncomfortable and evokes feelings of self-doubt, frustration, and a sense of helplessness. At times, these feelings can be overwhelming and nearly paralyzing.

If you run this issue by Sparky (a local guru on the topic) you may be quite taken aback to learn that the question itself is a product of retrograde thinking. Sparky will point out that the question is based on an invalid assumption. It assumes that things should be in control and that control is a desirable state. Not being one to stop with a brief comment and a few fries, That Sparky will probably go on to point out that most everyone has been in environments where control was the central priority and the major goal of those in charge.

Did you like that? Was that anymore comfortable? Is controlling the right thing to do? Do you want things to be controlled by you or anyone else? At that point, you may want to tell Sparky to take those fries and….

Once you've had a chance to settle down some, asked Sparky a different question. "If having things in control is not what we want, then what do we want?" As you might expect, Sparky says, "Now, there is a great question," as he gets up and goes out to find some more fries. Giving a great impression of Columbo, he pauses and adds, "I doubt if it is having things in control, though."{{Pause=.5}}

Perhaps the right question is actually, "Are you getting better and better at getting better and better, one issue at a time?" That question is easy. You certainly are, even though you lose the perspective once in a while as you see that you are not yet nearly as good as you need to be, as you are going to be. Still, you are a lot better at it than you were last month and much better than you were last year. When the anxiety comes, and it will, just think about how good you are going to be at it this time next year; and keep in mind what Lao Tzu said, "He who controls others may be powerful but he who has mastered himself is mightier still."Now there is an awesome thought! It also goes very well with fries.

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Most Likely To Disconnect

"It isn't intellect that connects us to other people; it is feeling." (Charles Fowler)

You are quick to respond if people become unhappy or upset. You seldom ignore the feelings or reactions of other people. This is especially true when those feelings or reactions are negative. That is when people are most likely to disconnect or behave in unexpected ways, thus making it much more difficult for you to predict events or manage the situation. This does not mean that you necessarily change decisions or modifies circumstances to appease people or to prevent their becoming upset. Rather, it means that you respond immediately to the feelings and reactions. Whether they were anticipated or not, the feelings and reactions are there and represent the current iteration of reality for you. It's the here-and-now and thus needs and gets your immediate attention.


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Devilish Details

Simon says, "Attend to the details without getting bogged down in them."

"The devil is in the details." That is Simon's only point here. What can be missed is the fact this devil is particularly devilish. Every situation, set of circumstances, problem, or issue has its broad-brush look and feel. From that perspective, it takes on its special definition. Given that definition, Simon can draw on his insight and experience and take appropriate action. He does not need the details to know what to do. In fact, he is so oriented to managing people and processes at this level that he quickly becomes impatient with those who insist on providing far more detail than Simon wants or needs.

Less successful leaders take a different approach. They want and need every detail, no matter how trivial. They believe the more information they have, the better will be their choices and decisions. These leaders see themselves as thoughtful and thorough. People like Simon are, they think, impulsive and inclined to shoot from the hip.

Here is the underlying problem. No matter how much detailed information leaders have, there is most always more information that could be made available, if they are patient enough. There are also things they cannot know and details that will not be forthcoming no matter how patient they are. It is normally possible to know more and impossible to know everything.

Leaders always act based on partial information. The challenge is knowing when to act and when to wait on more detail. Were that not enough, information tends to go down in proportion to the potential unwanted consequences of the decision or choice. The more potential there is for bad outcomes, the less well-informed the leader is likely to be. In these situations, successful leaders tend to act too quickly and less successful leaders tend to get bogged down in the details and tidbitpone action indefinitely.

Understanding these facts of leadership, Simon counsels wisely: Attend to the details without getting bogged down in them. If you are apt to act too quickly, slow down and assimilate more detail. If instead, you are apt to obsess over the details, take a deep breath and act. Either way, you may want to use Simon's secret technique. He sets a specific, future time to decide. This forces him to consider more detail and to get more input. It also forces a closure to input and an end point for attending to detail. When the time comes to decide, he decides. As Simon puts it, "When the bell rings, you just jump on the bull and hope you can hang on."

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An Excellent Fit

"So much of this world is based on illusion, temporaries, and disposability that I think it's essential that our closest relationships reflect what is real." -- Gillian Anderson

Relate to each person individually and uniquely. Although you do have a consistent set of behaviors and attitudes that you use in most all interpersonal situations, you mix the elements differently for each person and in each situation. The result is that you generally achieve an excellent fit with everyone with whom you interact. This does not mean that your relationships are necessarily warm and fuzzy but does mean that communication is typically solid; and the other person has a clear sense of your having taken care of business. There is always a sense of having "connected" when interacting with you.


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Blindfolds As A Proxy For Blindness?

Can you visualize the scene? Eight adults are participating in what they call a trust exercise. All have normal vision but four are blindfolded. The idea is that the blindfolds simulate blindness. Those without blindfolds lead those with blindfolds, testing the trust levels of the blindfolded participants.

You have likely heard of this activity or perhaps even participated in something similar. Presumably, the blindfolded participants learn to be more trusting and those without blindfolds become more sensitive to blind people. Quite simply, the blindfold is thought to be a reasonable proxy for blindness.

A less active version of the activity happens when a speaker or group leader asks his or her audience to close their eyes and imagine what it is like to be blind. The notion is that becoming instantly (and voluntarily) unable to see is an albeit temporary proxy for blindness.

Let’s take the proxy approach a little further. A blind person is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer thinks about the job and considers how he or she would manage it. The interviewer then closes his or her eyes or perhaps slips on the imaginary blindfold. The question then becomes, “Could I do this job without being able to see what I am doing?” The interviewer’s perception of his or her own ability to function without seeing then becomes the proxy for the blind person’s ability to do the job.

The blindfold exercise seems innocuous enough. It likely does not matter that the apparent trust level of the blindfolded person is probably more related to how anxious not seeing makes him or her than anything related to actual trust. It also likely does not matter that some people are naturally much better at guiding people who cannot see than are others. The question is whether the activity has much to do with blindness or being blind. Is the blindfold a fair proxy for blindness? It is not.

The same question applies to simply closing one’s eyes. An individual’s response likely has more to do with his or her natural comfort or discomfort with the partial isolation that comes from not seeing. The point is that this activity has very little to do with being blind. Is closing one’s eyes a fair proxy for blindness? It is not.

The issue becomes much more serious when we consider the job interview situation, although the root of the false reasoning is present in the blindfolded trust exercise and in the more simple activity of closing one’s eyes and imagining how it would be to be blind. In the job interview, the future of the blind person is on the line. There, using an invalid proxy for blindness is far from innocuous. It is both harmful and totally unfair. Is the interviewer’s opinion about whether he could do the job without being able to see a fair proxy for the blindness of the applicant? It is not.

The reality of blindness:

Suppose you are not a pilot and have never done anything that gives you any special knowledge or skill related to flying. What do you think your reaction would be if you were suddenly expected to step into the cockpit of an airliner and fly the plane to Cleveland? Even more to the point, suppose you were interviewing people to fly airliners. What would be your primary criteria for deciding who to hire? I suspect you would start with whether a candidate knew how to fly airplanes and not with whether or not you could fly airplanes if you were him or her.

Suppose a five-year-old volunteered to get your new electronic gadget up and running. Would you simply tell her “No,” since it is unlikely that a child so young would be able to manage a task that baffled you? You might; but more likely, you would spend some time to learn about what experience the child had that qualified her to solve your problem for you. You would not use your general perception of five-year-olds as a proxy for your judgment about the abilities of this specific child.

Here is the point. The question is not whether you can fly. The question is not whether most five-year-olds have mastered electronic gadgets. The question has little to do with how you feel when blindfolded or with your eyes closed. The question is not whether you could do the job if you suddenly could not see. Rather, the issue relates only to the skills and abilities of the blind person, not to your skills, knowledge and perceptions.

From a personal perspective, I have become very good at functioning while blind. There are people who are better at it and many who do not manage it as well. Even so, I have become very competent physically, emotionally, socially, and intellectually. Further, I am a very good judge of what I can and cannot do. For example, I cannot play baseball. I was about six-years-old when I thought I could probably hear the baseball. A smack on the chin taught me that my hearing was not nearly that good. At the same time, I learned that there were a myriad of things I could do or could learn to do quite well.

Here are a few points you may want to stop and consider.

Most blind people have had a very long time to develop their blindness skills. They are far better at being blind than you are, unless you too are blind.

They are very good at doing things without seeing, and continue to hone their skills daily.

They are acutely aware of what they can and cannot do and are far better than you are at judging their abilities to do or not do most things. The best way to judge whether a blind person can do a particular task or set of tasks is to evaluate his or her experience along with asking, “Can you do this and if so, how can you do it without seeing?” Yes, it is usually as simple as that.

Most blind people are experts with knowing about and using adaptive equipment such as speech programs on computers, tablets, and phones; audio reading equipment such as that from The Library of Congress; canes and guide dogs; and much more, especially designed to assist doing what needs done without seeing. They also have help and advice from professionals specially trained and experienced in enabling blind people to work and live independently.

The final point here is that blindness may or may not be a disability. It depends on the situation or opportunity. More likely it is merely a limitation that may require some accommodation but more likely only require some discussion and willingness to work through the details. For most blind people as is true for those with other physical limitations, they can do much more than they cannot do. The need is to focus attention on can do and not on cannot do, especially not on what you think you could not do if you suddenly could not see. Just understand that blindness is its own reality and has no reasonable or fair proxy.


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Two From Simon On Relating Long Term

Simon says, "Do not make demands of your significant other or set one-sided conditions on your relationship."

Simon is at it again. He makes it nearly impossible to resist sharing an old saying or two. "It's my way or the highway." "Do it or else." Oh well, the temptation is just too much. "If you don't, you'll be sorry." "You are going to get exactly what you deserve." Maybe Simon should have just cut to the chase with, "Don't threaten." After all, making threats is what demands and one-sided conditions really are.

"But Simon," you ask, "What about give-and-take, compromise, and negotiation? Don't those interpersonal strategies have their places in quality, long-term relationships?"

Simon certainly did not just come into town on a load of logs. He has been there too. Long-term relationships that really are a quality experience for both people are based on creative give-and-take, compromise, and negotiation. The people in the relationship have, in fact, carefully perfected their use of all three. Their skills with these essential strategies are, in part, why their relationship has survived long-term.

Here is another way of thinking about Simon's point. You want your relationship and your significant other to continue as important ingredients in your life. You value the person and your relationship. Suppose your demand or one-sided condition is met. That causes a change in the relationship, even if slight. It also changes how you are perceived. Your relationship is now, to some extent, more one-sided. Even more importantly, you are less equal than before. The two of you are also now less close than prior to your having your demand or one-sided condition met. As you see, demands and one-sided conditions are destructive and chip away at your relationship. What you want to strengthen is weakened.

There is a hidden conclusion here. You, of course, should not make demands or set one-sided conditions. That is clear. You also should not capitulate to demands or go along with one-sided conditions either. The damage to your relationship is the same no matter which of you caves-in. Simply say, "I won't go along with your demand or condition, even though I may be tempted. I won't do that kind of damage to our relationship. What's more, I sincerely hope you won't either."

Simon says, "Be dependable and keep your commitments."

On the face of it, Simon's point here seems like another one of those no-brainers. "Be as good as your word.""Do what you say you will do."Certainly, loyalty is also part of the package as is faithfulness, to the extent that promises have been made. It would seem that this is simply a further example of predictability, "You can count on me."

For Simon, though, dependability and keeping commitments go beyond these types of usual, "the way you deal with everyone" behavior. Within long-term relationships, they have a more intimate dimension. They are an important ingredient in the tie that binds, are part of what makes the relationship special.

You are there for each other when either of you needs support, encouragement, or someone to scratch the itch, so to speak.

You are truly interested in and want to know about each other's activities, thoughts, and personal issues.

You are happy and excited when things go well for either of you and feel badly when they do not.

You share in each other's lives and are available, good times, bad times, and all.

This level of dependability is what Simon has in mind; and understanding that it represents your personal commitment to each other is your individual challenge and shared opportunity.


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Extra: Elements Of Positive Interpersonal Style

Elements of Positive Interpersonal Style

Below are thirty words that describe interpersonal traits, attitudes, or characteristics that are found in effective relationships. Your being a person with style who is good at relationships depends on how often these traits and characteristics are present in your relationships. Using a scale from five to one, rate yourself in terms of how often these traits and characteristics are present for you in your relationships with your family members. Five equals almost always, four equals usually, three equals sometimes, two equals seldom, and one equals almost never.

Using one word at a time and rating yourself on each item, think in terms of a statement that says, "In my relationships with people in my family, I am _____." Fill in the blank with each of the thirty words below and then rate yourself in terms of the thirty statements.

1. Accepting

2. Affectionate

3. Ambitious

4. Assertive

5. Attractive

6. Considerate

7. Consistent

8. Dependable

9. Decisive

10. Energetic

11. Fair

12. Flexible

13. Gentle

14. Giving

15. Hardworking

16. Helpful

17. Honest

18. Involved

19. Loyal

20. Moral

21. Open

22. Patient

23. Playful

24. Positive

25. Predictable

26. Relaxed

27. Responsible

28. Spontaneous

29. Supportive

30. Tolerant


(Note) As a general guideline, the client may wish to add together her thirty numerical responses. This will result in a total interpersonal effectiveness score of from thirty to one hundred fifty. That total may then be divided by thirty resulting in a number from 1.0 to 5.0. This represents, for the client, her interpersonal effectiveness score. Generally, family members who maintain interpersonal effectiveness score of 4.0 or higher are relating well within their families. When there are difficulties, it may be useful for the client to focus on increasing those characteristics that are already a 3.0 or 4.0 level, with the idea being that it is easier to do more of what you are already doing reasonably well. Over time, focus can be developed in terms of the more problematic characteristics. The exercise is also useful in terms of having the client rate other members of her family and discussing these perceptions with the consultant and with the other family members.

Traditionally, focus on interpersonal relationships has been in terms of problems, difficulties, and explanations as to why things are not working. This activity addresses the same type of issue in a positive direction asking why things are working, why things are going well. What is found is that interpersonally effective individuals develop and maintain relationships that reflect an individualized mix of the 30 traits and characteristics in the activity. If one wants to be more interpersonally effective, the key is to simply maximize the extent to which these traits and characteristics are reflected in her relationships.

Increasing a particular trait or characteristic may be achieved by either directly increasing the trait or characteristic on the one hand or decreasing the alternative or opposite behavior on the other hand. For example, one may focus on the positive traits and characteristics of a specific family member. Focusing attention on these positives will have the effect of increasing the general acceptance of that family member. Alternatively, the opposite of acceptance is rejection or indifference. Increased acceptance will be achieved if rejection is decreased and indifference is exchanged for interest and involvement. The consultant may facilitate focus on the specific behavioral correlates involved in either approach to increasing acceptance.

Being more affectionate needs to be understood in physical, emotional, and social terms. At a physical level, the client may need instruction in touching, holding, and caressing in more gentle and affectionate ways. In addition, verbal tone and content along with facial expression will need attention. At an emotional level, the need is for increased positive emotion, expression of pleasure and satisfaction with the other person, and an increased calm relaxed approach to the other family member. At the social level, more spontaneous, positive interaction is needed with the content of that interaction emphasizing activities and involvements that the other family member values and enjoys.

Increasing the level of ambition in a client is difficult but straight forward. The alternative perception is of the client as being lazy. The client will need to bring more energy to her activities and family involvements, will need to actively participate more, and will need to more clearly function in the interest of the well being and welfare of the family in physical, emotional, and social terms.

Assertiveness training is explored in great detail in both the popular and professional literature. Basically, it operates in two ways. First, assertiveness falls between passivity and aggression. The passive client needs to learn to stick up for herself, press her point of view, and more spontaneously share her thoughts and ideas. The aggressive client must learn to tone down and modulate her physical, emotional, and social aggression in ways that make her more attractive and acceptable to other family members. The key to either strategy is staying more relaxed, taking more responsibility for individual participation, and developing specific physical, verbal, emotional, and social techniques through which one can be an equal and effective participant within the family. The key to this is assuring that the client avoids playing "games" as discussed in the last activity. Honest, congruent, responsible participation within the family will, by itself, gradually lead to a more appropriately assertive style of family participation.

Increasing attractiveness comes primarily through understanding that "attractiveness" represents the extent to which other members of the family are attracted to the client. People are attracted to each other for different reasons in different ways. Importantly, this attractiveness mix includes characteristics but also includes behavioral characteristics such as language, helpfulness, personal appearance, and other aspects of the physical/doing dimension as discussed in relationship to other activities. One way to get at this is to simply ask other family members what kinds of things they find attractive within the physical/doing dimension. Attractiveness also includes emotional attractiveness in terms of one's moods, general emotional positiveness, and the way one manages her emotions. Attractiveness goes on to include moral/ spiritual attractiveness, social/interpersonal attractiveness, sexual/ sensual attractiveness, and intellectual/cognitive attractiveness. Real attractiveness is seldom limited to one or two areas and virtually never depends more on superficial qualities than on more general characteristics of the individual. Of course, it is also important to decrease those factors that other find unattractive.

Considerateness is a similar characteristic and involves taking the other person into consideration. This includes consideration for their physical needs and interests, need for privacy and physical space, need for physical noninterference with their person or possessions, and a general consideration of them as physical/doing people. The other dimensions within the multidimensional functioning of individuals also become focal areas for consideration. Perhaps easily overlooked is the need to be considerate of the values and beliefs of others and the need to be considerate of their individual styles related to intellectual and cognitive functioning. In addition, people want to have their feelings taken into consideration and their social styles understood and considered. Generally, each person in the family needs to know that each of the other people in the family takes her into consideration fully, sensitively, and caringly.

The multidimensionality of consistency is similar to that seen with characteristics already discussed. It is also closely aligned with dependability in terms of interpersonal style and interpersonal effectiveness. Both consistency and dependability can be understood in terms of physical/doing behavior and activities, following through with commitments and agreements, and being there when others need someone to be there for them. Importantly, both also have a feeling/emotional dimension. Emotional consistency and dependability are perhaps as important as physical/behavioral consistency and dependability. The same holds for social consistency and dependability as one is involved in family activities, relates to other family members, and functions as part of the family's social environment.

All of these characteristics require the individual to bring enough energy to family participation to reflect the characteristics with style, all the time, on purpose. This applies to physical energy and also applies to emotional and social energy.

Fairness and flexibility are additional characteristics of the interpersonally effective individual. Both are closely linked to consideration and convey a fairly simple approach to other family members. "I will deal with you fairly, responding to your needs, interests, rights, and responsibilities. If necessary, I will adjust my thinking, behavior, and attitudes to develop an appropriate congruence with yours. This means that along with being fair, I will also relate to you in a flexible way that allows each of us to be comfortable with ourselves and with each other."

Gentleness may, in fact, be one of the more important interpersonal elements to cultivate for most individuals experiencing interpersonal difficulty within the family. At a system level, most families would function much better if each family member would simply increase the level of gentleness she brings to family relationships. Of course, gentleness is multidimensional as are the other traits and characteristics. This then includes emotional gentleness and a gentle approach to social involvement and participation as well as physical gentleness. The consultant will find that people frequently need specific instruction in being more physically gentle but also in being more emotionally gentle with each other.

Being helpful and hardworking are fairly straightforward ideas related to doing things that are useful for other family members and for the family as a whole. Importantly, though, helpfulness and being hardworking also extend to the emotional and social environment of the family. Positive social and emotional environments within the family do not necessarily occur naturally or spontaneously. They are a result of effort and the investment of time and energy, requiring skill and sensitivity. Essential here is a high level of physical, emotional, and social involvement in the family and the life of the family.

Honesty, loyalty, and a high priority given to personal morality give emphasis to the values and beliefs that underlie and support the family system. Collectively they may be thought of as representing the individual culture of a family and represent the base on which all other aspects of family life and involvement rest. They, of course, relate to the actions of individual family members and to how family members relate to each other verbally. In addition, though, honesty, loyalty, and morality also underlie the emotional and social environments with the family. Focusing specifically on loyalty, it should be understood that loyalty is a manifestation of the morality and fundamental honesty of the family and its members. At a basic level, loyalty is the commitment to "hang in there" with each other in positive and supportive ways. A commitment to morality and honesty drive loyalty and become the underlying reason for family members being loyal to each other.

Openness is very closely related to honesty and thus to loyalty and morality within the family system. Developing emotional and intellectual openness is the key and represents an honest, congruent approach to relating to and participating with others. It has to do with not masking, disguising or covering up feelings on the one hand and with not over expressing feelings and emotions on the other hand. Similarly, it has to do with candidly and straightforwardly expressing one's thoughts, views, and ideas without making them seem stronger or more fixed than they really are. Openness is, perhaps, at the opposite end of interpersonal styles from games. Everything is out on the table where one can see it, deal with it, and respond to it. It is not possible to fully and congruently deal with each other within the family unless each member is willing and able to develop a high level of openness with other members of the family.

Patience, playfulness, and positiveness combine with being relaxed and predictable to develop a level of receptivity and safety for others that allows them to seek out the individual and relate to her in an easy and pleasurable manner. An important part of interpersonal effectiveness has to do with not only how the individual relates to others but also how easy and facilitated it is for others to relate to her. Patience generally conveys a willingness to allow the other person to be who she is and to relate in her own time and on her own terms. The other person does not develop a sense of demand or expectation with the relationship. The positive opportunity and feedback the other person receives encourages further relating and involvement. When all of this takes place within a playful, "enjoying each other" relationship the interpersonally effective individual becomes a source of comfort, fun, and escape from the tensions and turmoils outside of the relationship and outside of the family.

Essential to these and other interpersonally effective characteristics is a lack of anxiety, tension and turmoil. To achieve this, the individual needs to learn to consciously and intentionally stay reasonably calm, reasonably slowed-down, and reasonably free from anxiety and tension. Here the consultant may be of specific assistance in terms of teaching breathing and other relaxation exercises, such as self-hypnosis and focused relaxation, or guided imagery. The consultant may also want to interest the client in some of the relaxation activities found in the study of yoga. The progression usually follows from relaxing one's respiration and muscles to mental focus or imagery leading to the relaxation of the mind and rushing thoughts. These two steps in turn lead to emotional relaxation and a sense of calmness or equanimity. For clients who have a tendency toward excess anxiety or tension, the consultant may want to start with the relaxation element as a prerequisite to effective work in developing the other positive traits and characteristics.

All of the traits and characteristics discussed to this point begin to mix and combine to develop the interpersonal presentation or projection of the individual to other family members and to develop the interpersonal environment within which others can comfortably relate and interact. The individual will relate with style, all the time, on purpose, reflecting a high degree of consistency and predictability.

Predictability in particular becomes an additional central factor in relationship to being responsible and being tolerant. The latter let people know how they will be dealt with while predictability lets them know that tolerance and dependability are something they can count on and at times can simply take for granted. It is sufficient to note that responsibility not only applies to physical/doing behavior and action but also applies to being emotionally responsible, morally responsible, socially responsible, sexually responsible, and intellectually responsible.

An important part of being responsible involves being tolerant. It is an attitude that is conveyed making it clear that no one is expected to be perfect, expected to do all things correctly at all times. In addition, it conveys an acceptance of others that lets them know that it is okay for them to be who they are without criticism or ridicule.

As can be seen by this point, spontaneity is, then, more than being verbally or socially spontaneous. When something is spontaneous, it occurs without any obvious or external cause or stimulus. It happens simply as a function of the situation, the circumstances, or the general environmental mix present at the time. Family members who are ambitious, assertive, consistent, dependable, decisive, energetic, helpful, involved, open, and responsible in physical, emotional, and social terms will be spontaneous as a part of their effective family participation. Alternatively, individuals who are not relating physically, emotionally, and socially in spontaneous ways need to first understand the extent to which they are also not manifesting other positive and effective traits and characteristics. This insight usually leads to increased spontaneity, especially if the consultant will take a coaching role with the individual in terms of teaching and encouraging relative to spontaneous behavior and opportunities for spontaneity.


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